I haven’t done this in a while. I use to blog all the time and somehow I think between being pulled into an Instagram trance and too much tv streaming, I lost my connection to sharing. But I guess I share on the regular now because I have great friendships, and well, there’s social media, which fulfills this to an extent. And I don’t mean to sound conceited when I say that I now have great friendships, it’s just that I didn’t have the best of friends when I first started blogging. Sure, I had nice people in my life and I had a few people that I would hang out with every so often, but not like now. Now I have made connections with like-minded souls, and these relationships are the most fulfilling.

I had my 29th birthday this week. Wow. 29 years old. 10 years ago I was 19 and living a much different life then I am now. Now, in chapter 29, Melissa lives a very colorful life filled with goals, dreams and a prince. The story is filled with glorious technicolor now, as we see our heroine actualize her dreams. As we see her slowly grasping what it means to be alive.

Last year I created The NamaSLAY Podcast. The podcast has connected me to so many beautiful souls and I have learned a lot about myself since creating it. I have been thinking a lot about the show for the last few weeks and I think I want to change it up. I feel out of touch with it. Perhaps its because I need to put more me into it. It was always an extension of this blog…a place where I can share ideas on self-improvement. Where I can ask questions and learn as much as I can. But what’s the point of learning if you don’t apply what you learn. Perhaps I need to start sharing what goals I’m going to be working on.

What do I want out of all of this? Why am I even doing this?

What I want is to be a successful actress. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. But I’ve been too afraid to do it. So I’m learning all of this because I’m hoping to find a solution that will click and I will just become one. But life doesn’t work like that. What I want will take effort and pain and I have to learn to be ok with the growing pains. Just like when you go to the gym and you work out with the weights and your muscles are sore for the next few days…that’s how I need to see all of life. Think of everything like pushing yourself to lift the weights and then dealing with the growing pains…it’s all painful but it leads to the result we want. I have to work out these mental muscles if I’m ever going to improve.

I heard that analogy this week and that made a lot of sense to me. Hopefully, whoever reads this will understand what I’m saying. Truthfully, I’m a little hungover from my birthday so I don’t feel like editing. Future me, don’t be mad at me for not being a great writer when I’m currently choosing to not edit my own work. Even though I’m kinda choosing this to be funny but whatever…I guess I would choose to be a comedian over being a great writer any day. Just learned something new about my priorities.

So I think these last two months I have been in a bit of a limbo…because I know what I need to do next. I know that I need to just reach out to the agents. I have to edit my demo, send it off and go. There’s nothing left to do… I’ve taken the acting class that I thought I needed to take and all that showed me was that classes are very expensive and most of the learning process involves practicing on your own. Now its time to make the next move. To believe I’m good enough. To go for it. To believe that even if I fail, my efforts will be worth it and I will get to where I need to go. I need to believe that I will get there. Otherwise, I won’t be driven.

New belief: I have a glorious story and a purpose to inspire. I will achieve my wildest dreams and I will motivate others.

If you made it to the end of this blog, congrats. You’re an awesome human who gives me hope that blogs still have some life left. But even if no one reads this, this is for me and that’s all that matters.

So future Mel…go now and take that next step. Keep bringing color to your life by slaying at your goals. Go get em lion.

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Midnight thoughts -Diary entry.

I got food poising this weekend. What a fun ride that was. I can’t even remember the last time I threw up because I very rarely get the stomach flu or even colds (knock on wood). But anyways, it left me inside, not doing much, because I needed to recover.

I often dream about the weekends where I get to do nothing and I can just recover… and then I get it and of course I wish I had more energy. Aint that life! – We’ve just got to be happy with where we are right now because you’re never going to get exactly what you want and usually it’s for a good reason. You usually get exactly what you need and it ends up being better than what you want.

My task for myself right now is to allow myself to just enjoy every moment. If I feel like reading…then read. If I feel like watching tv, then watch tv. If I feel like blogging then go for it girl. Enough with the pressure to be better and do everything, Melissa, because it’s just not possible.

I couldn’t do everything as a child and did I care? No. Because I was living in the moment and having fun. It’s interesting thinking about growing older because even if your brain becomes fully developed at a certain point, you then seem to trade that burden in and do whatever you can to numb yourself out.

When you’re a kid, you feel your emotions and you express yourself and play and as you get older and understand life at its fullest, it becomes too hard and you numb out to sugars or weed or some kind of addiction.

That’s something I’ve noticed recently…everyone has an addiction. OBVIOUSLY some addictions are way more extreme and serious than others…but in some way, everyone has something they do to numb out. Even the idea of a vacation is to escape the real world. Kids don’t ever need to escape…why do adults need to?

I think because we don’t play enough. We don’t play and live in the moment and do what will truly bring us joy enough. Because if we did…we wouldnt need to relax at the end of the day. We would just play. We wouldn’t be so stressed because we would be living right now and going with the flow.

Anyways, these are my midnight thoughts. Tomorrow…I shall play.

XOXO Melissa

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